Throwin' out the old cloth...

“No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. Otherwise, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.” Mark 2:21,22

I remember when John Paul was barely a year old, and I met a woman who briefly shared something with me. I don't remember her name or how many children that she had in total, but I do remember that she said, "It took five children before I could fully surrender to motherhood..."

I've never forgotten those words, and while I know that every woman is different in what they can handle (or at least think that they can handle), I wondered if I, too, could surrender to motherhood at five...

So the question is not so much, "Have I surrendered to motherhood yet?" as much as it is, "What does surrendering to motherhood look like?" Well, lately I feel like the answer is being revealed to me... I am at my wit's end. (Warning: the following contains the spilling out of the contents of my heart. You may be scandalized by the raw information)

I am thinking, saying, and doing things that I swore I would never do and scoffed at mothers who thought, said, or did these things. I am tired of hearing my name at the end of the day. I raise my voice way more than I would like, sometimes because everyone's combined voices reach the decibel level of a vacuum cleaner and sometimes because I have down right lost my... uh patience. I get shaky with fear when I think about the truth that God is still calling us to raise a big(ger) family and get nervous when I've incorrectly assessed by daily fertility... what if I mislabel the day and we get pregnant and God's plan comes to pass before I've jumped on board?

We can't really go anywhere in public without someone throwing a tantrum. We were at the library today for all of 5 minutes before one of the children had a meltdown and I drug him by one arm to the corner while he continued to scream (and yes I got looks). So we basically don't go anywhere all day, and I'm that mom seeking out any neighbor who pokes their head out the door just to have an adult to talk to...

The baby has reached the "4 month sleep regression" stage of infancy, and while it's most definitely easier to handle than the first four children, it certainly was nice only waking up once. I said "the d word" when one of the kids tore open the band-aids in the grocery store and was immediately repeated... that's actually the first time, which is a miracle! And the kids have discovered the CD player in the classroom and how to work it, not to mention that most of our library books come with a read-a-loud CD. So from sup up to sun down (or when Daddy comes home) there is some form of music playing, and it ain't Paul Simon... BECAUSE IT KEEPS THEM OCCUPIED!

ANYWAY... let's take a break from this negativity for some cuteness

 Cow Appreciation Day 2015... we got 5 free meals out of this cuteness!

 Mary Clare- can't get enough of this precious girl!

 Therese loves to dress as animals! MEOW!

                                          Her creativity far surpasses mine... it's always interesting to see what she does with it!

 Obviously it's exhausting

 The Spidy is going to be 7 next month!

They're a little different in size.

With all this cuteness, what could possibly be the source of my woes? I share all this not for sympathy, but to provide a context for you. I have come to the realization that I can no longer get through the week without having a total "I'm going crazy, we're not having any more kids, and I'm not home schooling ever again" meltdown. If I'm honest -and I'm pretty sure that I'm being honest- I hit that place by Wednesday afternoon.

The truth is that I can't even make it through the day without realizing that I'm toast unless I FULLY open up to the Lord and put myself in a position to receive his CONSTANT grace. I wake up afraid to open the door and face the onslaught of kids and their needs. I reach the end of the day empty and with nothing left for my precious, handsome, loving husband. I've reach the point of needing to surrender...

In praying with Scripture today, I read this:
“No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. Otherwise, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.” Mark 2:21,22

HELLO!! Spiritually knocked of my horse! Each new child brings a new season, and with each new season, the old cloth JUST WON'T WORK! I can't have the same expectations of myself (or of anyone else for that matter) when the season changes. I have FIVE children now, not four. I have two who don't nap- not one. I have two children who have a tremendous need for quality time and physical touch- not one. I have a newborn who is actually a PERSON and not just a cute little peanut who should do the same thing EVERY day and respond the same way to the same set of stimuli each time. If I apply my old self and my old ways to this new season in our family,  we will ALL be in big trouble.

It has also been part of my paradigm shift to remind myself as often as possible that THESE CHILDREN ARE GIFTS!! I am NOT entitled to them NOR do I deserve them... when that mindset is properly in place, I treat them a little (hopefully a lot) more like the gifts they are than the burdens that I sometimes treat them to be. And what is it that I feel like they stop me from doing? Folding clothes? Making a meal? Messing around on the computer? Typing a blog post? Talking on the phone? Sitting on the potty in silence? What I do IS ALL FOR THEM, with few exceptions, so why is their actual, physical presence burdensome? 

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life- the life God is sending one day by day; what one calls ones' 'real life' is a phantom of one's own imagination."  -C.S. Lewis 

Maybe this season means that we only go a few places a week. Maybe this season means that I don't sleep in the middle of the day and that I don't get up to exercise and/or pray BEFORE the house rises (which is a daily goal of mine). I shouldn't go to the grocery store with everyone when the listen has more than 5 items on it. This season means that we have NOBODY over 7, and 2 1/2 potty trained kiddos, and one who actually listens the first time... this is the season. It won't always be this difficult I'm told. But even if it is, then the grace will be there if I open myself up to it. And I don't mean reading a book that encourages me and gives me some nuggets to chew on and a shot in the arm. A family retreat won't cure my sinfulness and weaknesses (we will have gone on two in the last 3 months after next week) Because although those things are super important and helpful, they don't take the place of grace and what God can provide for a FULL BLOWN PARADIGM shift... God's big enough. How many times has He done that for others? 

If you see me out in public, know that we may not be able to talk because one of mine WILL run into oncoming traffic with glee... but maybe just remind me that I have tossed the old cloth because the "garment" is new and needs something/someONE different. Fully surrendering to motherhood might be defined as the DAILY taking advantage of grace or crash and burn. If I know what surrendering to motherhood looks like, then maybe I can take steps in that direction.

This is the season...

I should note that the timing of this particular post represents the beginning of this realization need for paradigm shift. I'll let you know when I feel like can say with confidence, "I surrendered to motherhood once I had five."  It's a tall order, but this isn't the first time God has had to do something drastic with me.

Memo to Me: Daughter first. Wife Second. Mother Third.

It occurred to me recently that I have mixed up a few roles that I play...

All three of these are roles are a gift. They are important. They are my whole life...
But the problem comes when I realize (by God's grace) that I have mixed these up.

I am someones' Mama...

Motherhood. It seems like there can be no greater gift than to conceive, grow, birth, and nurture another immortal soul inside a precious little body, let alone 5 (and our three other precious souls in heaven whose bodies I will be with when I get there). It takes EVERYTHING to do this. Correction. It takes more than everything to do this, and this is not so because I have five children. To have one child is more difficult a lot of times, so mamas with less children than me, do not think that your job is any less difficult. Anyways...

Because this vocation seems to take the most physical, mental, and emotional energy, it's easy for me to justify letting it be the most important thing- which means that my other two roles take a back seat to motherhood. If you've never heard this before, let me be the first to tell you that this shouldn't be the case. I don't say it in this way because I'm awesome (though my kids think I'm pretty awesome), I say it because I want to free you!!  Guess what role comes before motherhood?

I am someone's wife...

 (I'm pretty positive that David is the MOST HANDSOME MAN EVER. Let's look at this picture for a while...)

I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought...

Being David's wife has made me a mom. It's given me purpose, and it's provided me a way to become a better person by continuously learning to pour myself out for someone else good (just to clear the air, it's not what I do best, but I'm really trying, y'all). And as a bonus, David is for sure the BEST husband- he goes ALL out, he dives in, he gives of himself constantly, and he thinks I'm pretty!!

Our marriage is not something that we're good at naturally. The tool boxes that we carry to love each other are quite small, which is why being husband and wife (while much more important than being Mommy and Daddy) cannot be the most important titles that we hold...

I am Someone's daughter...

THIS is the whole shebang, y'all!! Because I am limited in my capacity to love my children and my husband, then my MOST important role HAS to be that I am a dsughter of the KING OF THE UNIVERSE!! Here's an image that helps me:

Ok. now picture a backpack that acts as the carrier of my ability to love someone other than myself. Now picture a hose that goes from the VERY HEART OF CHRIST (whose heart was pierced and out flowed blood and water) to my back pack. Do you see what this gives me?!?! It gives me an INEXHAUSTIBLE resource to love my husband and my children!! What's the catch? I HAVE to stay plugged up (to Christ's heart). If I make sure to have individual prayer time with Him, I have to make sure that I am praying with David (because with couple prayer I am praying to the Lord while David listens in, and there is no more intimate experience than that), and I have to read the Scriptures!! And most of all - I need to participate in the Sacraments!! Receiving the very Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ helps me to BE CHRIST to those around me...

The greatest gift- beyond being able to have children and to be married to the most fantastic man on the planet- is ACTUALLY that I am a daughter of God!!

So where did this memo to me come from?

I was looking at this face...

Holding my sweet young daughter who is absolutely, 100% dependent on me to KEEP HER ALIVE, much less to love and nurture her, God gave me the gentle reminder that I am like this in HIS arms: helpless, dependent, and vulnerable... Remembering that I am His beloved daughter first will make me a better wife and mama!!

So somebody remind me when I get these mixed up, ok?

What a (fantastic) waste of time...

It's been while since I've last posted, and I have honestly thought that nobody was reading anyway, nut then I had a few people here and there tell me that they follow the blog... so this one's for those three people:

Have you ever noticed that our culture places a lot of emphasis on productivity and efficiency? I'm sure this is brand new information to you. Even as I type these words, I admit that I had to force myself this afternoon to go lie down rather than to sit here and type out this post... to see words and pictures come out on a screen, or to see toys and books on the shelf from the floor, or the see the dishwasher empty then full, then empty then full (then empty then full) feels good- like I've accomplished something in this little Dawson microcosm. I also try to use their video time to get these chores done in a speedier fashion (No, Baby Einstein, I do not use your videos for interactive play time). We housewives might be the worst at succumbing to the pressures of productivity over any fortune five hundred CEO (sorry to pick on you if one is reading this).

So now that I've blown our cover, I wanted to mention a little secret that has been revealed to me recently. Let me clear the air that it is not my intelligence or mothering skills that has revealed the following thoughts, but the loving ways of God- He is such a gentle teacher when I stop to listen...

1) We went on a FAMILY RETREAT in Panama City Beach, Florida. I imagine that those two words seem diametrically opposed to one another, and I'm sure one could argue that a retreat is NOT a waste of time to go on retreat, but on this particular retreat, there is a point in the afternoon called family time, and I love the way that the priest spoke of it. He said something like, "this is meant to be a time to waste with your family! Nothing else is happening, you aren't preparing for the next week's events, you'll be building sand castles that will be washed away within minutes and it will be all for nothing, and the only thing to do is talk and play with your kids, and it is incredibly inefficient!"

What a beautiful time this turned out to be! After a morning of spiritual formation among adults, the afternoon is spent with my family! We've been on three family retreats so far, and I can attest to the incredible amount that DOESN'T get done- but so much happens that cannot be measured (unless, of course, we post our family time experiences on Facebook, because otherwise, did it really happen?) The best example of this is David with the kids at the beach. Their favorite thing to do is DIG A HOLE! It's a group effort, and it's their favorite thing to do on the beach besides wading out into the water in his arms, in which case, whoever is left on shore with me gets to throw endless handfuls of sand into the waves.

And of course, Mary Clare (at 7 weeks) did this the entire time on the beach. 

Talk about a team player!

The other aspect of wasting time together is that just because you're not do work doesn't mean that spending time as a family is easy. It's very hard, not only because we are fighting our own desire to be getting something else done, but because spending time with our families brings about... all the things that happen when you hang with your fam -> this means, fighting, disciplining, spills, arguments, misunderstanding, and frustration. But the beauty of it is that we're learning to be family, and that's all we're doing...

We have a little rule in our family that Sunday's are always family time- nothing else happens on Sundays. We don't do anything but hang out and eat (and have glorious sleep). This is difficult for me (and I'll sometimes empty the dishwasher if we've run out of counter space due to the dirty dishes, but David looks at me like I'm cheating) usually because I am looking around the house and seeing the projects that didn't get done that weekend and fearing the week ahead because of it. This practice has become so joy-filled and fruitful for us!!

2) Micah has needed us to waste time with HIM lately:

As it turns out, having a baby has rocked this little guy's world. As much as I can tell, his love languages are physical touch and quality time - two things that he has NOT had from me since Mary Clare has been born. He will be TWO this Saturday (can you believe it?) and his needs, when not met, have made him extremely high maintenance... poor little guy. A major fruit of the family retreat was that Micah and I had a lot of time together just the two of us. There was a lot for the children to do while the parents were receiving spiritual formation, but Micah would have NONE of the nursery, despite it being a haven of little kid toys and goldfish. He spent most of his time with me while David was giving talks, and the fruits of that really showed itself the following week when we returned home. He was more content, sillier, happier, and had less tantrums. It showed me that when I take the time to focus on Micah rather than constantly appease him (Want some juice? Here's your passy. Just a second) we were both much happier (and so was the rest of the household). Sometimes he just needs me to be doing nothing else but hanging out with him - books, snuggling, holding him while I check the mail, etc). This is one of those situations that, at the end of the day, you pray that Jesus and Mary fill in the gaps where our children may not have felt loved). I'm so grateful for this revelation from God.

3) Prayer- wasting time with the Lord:

In Domestic Church (see "retreat" link to know more... who am I kidding? If you have EVER read my blog, you've heard about Domestic Church) one of the daily commitments is individual prayer. The Israelites called it the "Tent of Meeting" because when they were in the desert, Moses used to leave the community and go away to a tent where he would speak with God face to face. Moses came out of the tent with a dazzling white face... that's exactly what my prayer is like... all the time!

In the last few years of learning how to improve this kind of prayer, a dear friend and priest helped me to further qualify what it means to pray by telling me to ask myself the question "am I wasting time with God?" In other words, the ONLY prayer during the day can't be done WHILE other things are going on. Mowing the grass, driving to work, folding the clothes. Can we converse with the Lord while these things are going on? ABSOLUTELY! Imagine, though, if the only conversations that you have with your spouse were had while doing something else. What about our children? How close would you feel to him/her? It's the same with God. So to truly pray means to be sitting in silence (or at a significantly smaller decibel level) and be with Him WHILE DOING NOTHING ELSE for a few minutes every day. AND THIS IS SO SO HARD!!

I'm sharing this revolutionary idea with you NOT because I've mastered it, but quite the contrary. The first step for me has been during that first morning video- it's a personal goal to NOT to go through the house like a white tornado trying the get things done, but to go to my room and enter the tent of meeting. Most of the time, I can merely acknowledge the reality that God is present before my little Micah man is frantically trying to open the door because I have left his sight. But for a few seconds I have focused on the images on our wall - usually the crucifix and Our Lady of Guadalupe and concentrate on the presence of the Lord (and His mother), and the fruits of those few precious moments is astounding.

Thanks for reading... now go be unproductive!!

"Ca C'est Bon, " cried the hurricane!

Well we're one month into being a family of 7!

It's been insane!! Today in particular I am learning a very important lesson... it's so cliche'!! DANCE EVERY DAY. Why am I saying this? Because I have cried the last few days each time things get a little hectic: baby is ready to eat. Someone is whining. A 22 month old (which speaks for itself) 2 children who have quality time and physical touch for love languages (and they haven't been getting much of it). Homeschooling has tanked...

No this is not a post to complain or to ask for your sympathy...

I stumbled upon one of my favorite CDs from one of my FAVORITE families on the planet! I have played it each day when I feel the hot tears brimming. I pick of the child/children who I might throw through the window (yes I said that) and dance with them... sweet relief for every one. I wouldn't change this INSANITY for anything! I love being up to my neck in my little olive plants. God is so good (and He isn't afraid of a little insanity).

And now I shall leave you... because the 3 1/2 year old has his easter basket stuck around his neck. The baby is screaming to nurse and the 22 month old is trying climb out of his crib.

So in the words of this next song, "...don't be afraid to try to live the good life!"

Mary Clare Dawson ... the arrival post!

Just one day after her due date, Mary Clare came. Wednesday March 18th at 9:23 pm. The labor was during the day, the epidural was glorious, I could still wiggle my toes, and by 10 pm we were all quieted down and loving on our newest little olive plant!

 Sleeping beauty

My precious friend Amber came and is she captured a few moments...

Then the children and the grandparents came...

The first eye poke was captured...

Now we've been home for three weeks, and it has been a wonderful, fantastic, CRAZY, precious time with our larger family... I think it's safe to say that we have a big family, don't you? If you disagree, keep it to yourself until a year passes, ok? 

We had two wonderful weeks with David home. He's back at work now, and we're most definitely taking life one half-day at a time. 

Which is working out really well...

 (So maybe she's not into matching with her big sister...)

And how are the other big kids doing? 

They are superheroes!! 

Thank you for your prayers and know that you were prayed for during labor and delivery! God is so faithful and gracious! Praise God!!

Joyful anticipation... or at least attempting it.

Praise God we have arrived at full term (39 weeks and 2 days to be exact), and after a few trips to the hospital, some injections, some expensive prescriptions to stop contractions from causing any trouble, Mary Clare seems to be fully alive, jumpy, and content... you heard me. She's going nowhere.

Rather than worry about every little twinge and timing the daily false labor, I've decided to resign to the fact that I will simply be pregnant forever. It's been quite freeing, actually, because if I'm NEVER going to deliver Mary Clare, then I can get used to the pressure, the contractions, the insomnia, and the mood swings because they will be our family's new pet. See how I make jokes?

I'm not the best sufferer as most of my friends and family know, but I am certainly praying for a spirit of JOY-FILLED anticipation for our newest child. After three miscarriages, to be able to reach full term and meet this newest daughter, there is much to anticipate. This morning, however, it brought to mind the reality that we've had 5 beautiful years with our precious Therese Marie. Everything about her has been formed within this "only daughter" life she's lived so far. It has made her who she is, and oh how we love her so...

She is larger than life, and true to her namesake. Here's a perfect example of their similarities (she with St Therese of Lisieux): When St Therese was growing up, she and her older sister were approached with an offer of a basket filled of ribbons and they were told to pick the one they liked best. St Therese's response? "I want them ALL." THAT is our Therese Marie. Every flower, every beautiful sight, every chance to snuggle, every chance to hold a baby. As my mother says, "She takes life in big gulps." We ride in the van often listening to Therese "singing Polish" while the rest of the car is completely silent. And because Mary Clare is due so close to Therese's birthday (which is March 14th), Therese has already rehearsed what she will say to Mary Clare when they finally meet. "Hi, Mary Clare, I'm your sister Therese and I've been waiting for you, and it's my birthday." She is CERTAIN they we have somehow concocted the best birthday present for her... a sister. Yes, dear,  that's exactly what we did.

So I have here a few more pictures of our life in the Dawson world as we have so enjoyed living in Mandeville. We are grateful for God's providence in bringing us here and in His gracious love in sustaining us. We are blessed indeed...

 Jacob (3 1/2) and Micah (21 months) are a fantastic handful. Jacob is the funny man, and Micah is surprising us daily with what he remembers and has the vocabulary to for. 

I turned 33 last month, and David took them all to pick out special gifts for me. It's hard to see, but John Paul picked out a crown, Therese picked at the rockin' necklace, Jacob picked super larger dangly owl earrings (he must know I'm still a Chi Omega at heart), and Micah "picked out" a Papa Johns gift card. I want to say that David found a beautiful reliquary for our first class relic of St Therese, so now she's visible to us instead of in a little box. We're takin' care of you, Sista. 

Boys Boys Boys

The "Big Kids" of the Dawson grandbabies: Therese (almost 5), Luke (3), Micah (21 months),    Liam (5), John Paul (6 1/2), Ceceilia Jane (22 months), and Jacob (3 1/2). 

And Therese is holding the newest Dawson - Maximilian James, who is the fourth of Pete and Julia. Yes we have our children at the same time. Laugh, but aren't you a little sad that you didn't think of it first? My sister-in-love and I are always pregnant and then nursing together... good times shared with precious family.

When Daddy works from home because Mommy is on bed rest... the mice will play?

Me and my T

Is our 3 1/2 year old potty trained, you may ask yourself? The answer is a resounding NO. Have I thought about training him? Really? Of course I have. Is the stress of training a precious little man who's afraid to teetee, etc worth the complication of NOT having three in diapers? Not even a little bit. I've had three in diapers before and we survived just fine. Potty training is for another time... like when I'm NOT 39 weeks pregnant. There. That's my excuse.

I just love this one. This is her response to, "Therese, smile." I was able to take the older three to our precious next door neighbor's powder puff football game. It was so nice to have them with me, because very soon, it will be David who takes the big kids on outings while I'm home with Mary Clare. Because I was fully aware of this, we went from the game strait to IHOP and had pancakes and hot chocolate! Soakin' it up, y'all!

 Meet Taylor. Our sweet next door neighbor and sole babysitter at this point. Before Therese could remember her name, she would call her, "the girl who is really generous." She's a senior in high school, but we won't talk about that...

And so our family waits- we are so excited to meet our next little olive plant. 

So long until "the birth post"