Here's the story of our first miscarriage. A friend asked me to tell it for an article he's writing. This experience happened seven year ago this month. It has been a gift to go through it again and see just how much God loves, blesses, and forgives us.
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When our second daughter was eight weeks old, David returned home from his holy hour and shared with me that he really believed that God was calling us to be open to another child. (Did I mention that our daughter was eight weeks old?). I don't remember my exact reaction, but I laughed at him and told him that he was crazy. It was exactly physiologically possible to have another child at the point. Nonetheless, I told him that I would go to Adoration, and so I did the next morning.
When I arrived I first prayed for an open heart and for the Lord to reveal to me His will for our family. I opened a book that I had been reading by Kimberly Hahn (Scott Hahn's wife) called Life Giving Love and proceeded to actively look for an explanation of good reasons NOT to be open to life and GOOD reasons to "space" children. I could find ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and in fact, what did stand out to me was something her husband had told her: Mother's bodies, with their stretch marks and scars from carrying and caring for their children will, like Christ, remain that way in Heaven and be like the glorified body of Christ who's wounds remain. It struck me directly in my heart, and seemed to be giving me the opposite message that I sought. I then turned to Scripture where I landed first in the Gospel of Luke and a painting of the visitation of Mary and Elizabeth.
The verse underneath it said, "Blessed is the fruit of your womb." I had my clear answer. My fertility was and is a gift, and I returned home and told David what the Lord had revealed to me as well. We were grateful that He had told us BOTH, but David knew that I was afraid of what would come of this. That was in May. About four months later, I discovered that I was pregnant. Therese was six months old. It was happening, just as the Lord had said. We shared the news with friends and family, and we were grateful for another soul, but my heart did not feel ready. When I was about four weeks pregnant, I found myself in Adoration with these thoughts: Maybe this pregnancy won't make it. Maybe I'll miscarry, and that would be ok, because then people may feel sorry for us, and then we would have their sympathy and at least look like we're open to life without having to have babies so close together. I was horrified with myself! I was grateful to Jesus that He had allowed those thoughts to come from the back of my brain to the front so that I could address them with a priest and ask forgiveness from the Lord and from my precious husband who was and is ALWAYS ready to meet another soul that God would give to us.
I raced home and confessed to David my secret sin and I realized that I was no different than any woman who contemplates abortion. I was so sick with guilt and grief, but our Lord is so merciful. Our sweet friend who is also a priest came to visit the next morning, and I went to confession in our home and was forgiven my sin. Thanks be to God!
Just three days later I began to bleed, and then the cramping that comes with miscarriage followed not long after that. I was sunk deep into grief and guilt. I began to doubt myself and the mercy of God- I remember thinking that God saw my lack of a welcoming heart for this baby and decided that this innocent child would be better off in his Father's arms than a mother who doesn't want him. I have been able to pray through and process my thoughts and see that they were untrue and that God's mercy is boundless and bottomless, but at that time, I couldn't see past my sin. David knew that my sin did not cause to miscarriage and did his best to console me, but we were both so shocked and so sad. We had two beautiful and healthy children (John Paul 2) and Therese (7 months) and didn't think that a loss would happen in between children. We cried and grieved over the loss, but we also offered this baby to the Lord.
I passed the baby a few days later, (which at just 6 weeks gestation looks like little more than a very large blood clot), wrapped the baby in a handkerchief, and we buried it under our statue of the blessed mother. The grave was blessed, and we began our healing process.
I asked God for a name and an image of the baby to keep in my mind and heart forever. God, once again in his mercy, gifted us with this image. His name is Andrew Thomas Dawson, and he has dark hair and blue eyes.
He was the first intercessor and saint for our little family. We have since had two more souls reach Heaven before us (Agnes Karolina and Elizabeth Anne). The losses are painful but bring our family together in ways that joyful experiences just can't. We talk to our other children (We now have six born children) about their brother and sisters in Heaven. It is bittersweet to think of them, because without their being lost to us here on earth, our family would look completely different, would there be a Jacob (now 6), a Micah (now 4) a Mary Clare (2) or a William (9 mo)?
I am reminded of the Scripture verse "For who has known that mind of the Lord, or who has acted as His counselor" and "The souls of the just are in the hands of God. They seem in the eyes of the foolish to be dead, but they are at peace." And again "The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
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