I decided to rent Valentine's Day while David was out of town. Obviously, I knew it was going to be a chick flick, and though I am fully aware that most romantic comedies are laced with deceit and agendas (and most of the time take us out of reality and plot us back in it only to have higher/unrealistic expectations for our own relationships), I was intrigued. If you're still reading this at this point (which many of you may not be) read on. You'll probably agree with me. Also, thanks, Carrie, for sitting through this movie with you- though you already knew the ridiculousness you were about to re-endure. Warning: if you've not seen it, don't read this.
1. Positives first- Of course, Julia Roberts. A dedicated mom flies for a day to see her son. Notice, though, that she's no longer the female protagonist. Why? She's a happily married, hard-working mother of twins and has decided her roles must say something important and prudent.
2. George Lopez. The ONE- yes only one- character who was a faithful, loving, dedicated, still married man. You had forgotten about him didn't you? There are 2 snippets of him at the end coming home to his family and then spending time with his wife on the swing drinking wine. I'm sure most husbands would love to swing on their kids swing set during the 2 hours (at most) of alone time with their wives.
3. Ashton Kutcher- seriously? The Male protagonist of the movie? Have you seen Punk'd? He wears a pink shirt and hat the entire movie! I know he's a florist, but isn't that weird too? ASHTON KUTCHER, y'all! On the other hand, I was glad to see that after living together (obvious by the first scene of the movie) that his fiance' realized that she didn't actually want to spend the rest of her life with him. But do you think that in real life, his being dumped the DAY he proposed would send him back to hippity hoppinh to a bridge where he thoughtfully tosses the rest of the un-purchased roses into the river only to make out with his best friend? Which reminds me...
4. Jennifer Garner- also a married wife and mother in reality. I just love her! She's always such a precious character in ALL her movies (13 going on 30 being my favorite). Don't you feel so sorry for her? Of course! They give her a super good looking charlie cheater face heart surgeon man for a boyfriend. They got me on that too. They make her a teacher! uh, the sympathy gets deeper and deeper. She, too, gets dumped on, and has the guts (very unlike her character though) to bust him in public and in front of his wife, then goes to meet her pink-shirted best friend- WHO IS THE HOST OF PUNK'S for goodness sakes- and makes out with him at the end of the movie too!
5. Taylor swift- I can't even talk about it. I was nauseated watching her. She's made out to be a complete DITZ, and her relationship is totally superficial, and they make fun of them by calling them "out of touch with reality." Well said, but then WHY do you put them as one of the "end of the night couples" to show how Valentine's day is wonderful for everyone, even superficial high school into-themselves teens? They won't last a week after graduation! Thanks for the oversized bear, spiky-haired boyfriend. (oh, and a Taylor swift song is playing for the last scene.) oh, the humanity.
6. "First time couple" Were we supposed to be happy for them that they made the right decision to wait? Was the girls mom an idiot? I was rehearsing... naked. Give me a break.
7. The precious little boy- the smartest person in the whole movie. Movies are starting to show pivotal scenes using children as the vessel for adults coming to some huge epiphany about life and love. Ergo- our children know better than we do. WRONGO!
8. Super skinny Valentine's day hater from Party of Five- had to have that in there didn't they. The pinata? How timely that Jennifer Garner steps in to do "open heart surgery." You know you were thinking the line before she said it. And when she said it, you thought, "no she didn't really say it"
9. They picked the two most studly attractive men in movies today and made them gay. Really? FYI- This is not a statement on homosexuality, it's just an observation.
Are you still reading this? Ahhh I feel so much better. Here's a picture of John Paul as a prize for sticking it out. I hope David is proud of me for seeing movies the way he does.