I feel called to share this short, but powerful journey with you...
In the last few days, I noticed that my coffee tasted like cardboard, which is usually the first sign that I am pregnant. The combination of NOT having had my cycle return, the confusing fertility signs that I have been seeing, and the joy of God's grace in Adoration last night, I decided to stop on the way home and pick up a test (which always makes for interesting conversation with the person working at the check-out counter... thanks Casey at Walgreens for making it interesting). I returned home to a loving husband who smiled sweetly, but with a smile that says, "that's cute of you, but you're not pregnant." No blue line... a common occurrence in these months before my cycle returns, but with the previous experiences (2 separate links) of losing children, I think it is far greater to know, love and have lost, than to have never known. Anyway, if Sam's sold pregnancy tests in bulk, I would buy them- some of you out there know the feeling I'm sure.
I sat down at the computer to finish up some online marriage prep training and was asked to answer the following: What does it mean to be a mom? My answer was something like "giving EVERYTHING I am (mind body soul energy) for my children. Nobody can love my children the way that I can. They rely on me to answer the question of if they are loved, if they are worth loving, and if they are treasured." I posted a nice little NFP video on Facebook and called it a night. I returned to brush my teeth and saw a faint blue line...
Now the reason for this post. Could we be pregnant? Is there a soul? I brought it to David with these words, "Well this is questionable!" He agreed. In his support and compassion, he (though having a bit of deer-in-headlights look) pulled me to him and said, "That is questionable. Ok, baby. I love you." You see David and I have been discerning since Micah's birth God's plan for our family. It's a beautiful process that involved more trust and communication than any other method out there, but it especially involves an openness to life... even when it wasn't "planned" per say. David then said to me, "Call Dr Darbonne to see if you have low progesterone this time." At the first sign of a baby, David thought of doing everything we could to make sure we didn't lose another one. What a treasure.
I didn't sleep much last night. 15 months apart. 5 kids. How was I going to do it? How would we afford another baby? What will people say? We weren't being irresponsible. How did I miss God's cues? Trust, Kate and David. I can say that the night was filled with this grace: God focused me on the soul that possibly existed. Another person that is NEITHER of us and BOTH of us at the same time. Shocked? Totally. Overwhelmed? Yes. Scared? Not really- Haven't we see what God has done thus far in our precious little family? Hasn't He been faithful? Hasn't He provided over and over and over for us? I just thought," Well, Lord, You must mean for David and I to share the experience with others about true openness to life."
Micah woke up his usual three times. 1am 2:30am 5:30am. I nursed him twice, wondering if I should keep it up. Naturally after the last feeding I couldn't sleep. I took another test. I pulled out the directions. "Disregard whatever shows up after 10 minutes." Another negative test. So I'm NOT pregnant. . A sigh of relief? A little. Sad? Yes- I spent the night thinking there was a growing person inside of me, but there wasn't. The possibility of a soul.
I share this with you to show you that I am just like anyone else. A desire for control. A longing to "Let Go and Let God," a desire to do His will, a young mom with just about all I can "handle" on a day to day basis. But God gave me a gift in what feels like a unexpected pregnancy- who knows? Maybe I am? It doesn't look that way at this point, But I have been reminded that life is a gift- it is precious. Let me say that David and I pray that there are more children in our future, we have been reminded that the timing belongs to God- who loves us and provides for the deepest desires of our hearts. My deepest desire is a family- however quickly it grows. Thank you, Lord for a lesson in trust.