I haven't fasted in almost 7 years...
I have made the excuse that I am either pregnant or nursing, and so I HAVE to go on eating whatever I darn well please because I'm feeding someone else ( I mean, a third piece of cake isn't for me, it's for the baby).
I am not a naturally compassionate person...
When I see that my kids or my husband are sick, my heart doesn't stir toward serving them in their need, it stirs with an ache in the realization that I may not sleep well that night.
I am a yeller...
I am very quick to raise my voice at my children, even Micah. I assume that when my kids are doing something wrong, it's because they are actually choosing to do wrong rather than exploring, learning, or just being their age. I might as well throw in that I curse a lot too...
I am quick to speak, slow to hear...
When my husband brings a genuine concern or shares his heart with me, I jump to defensiveness or to self pity before I think of his needs or share gratitude for his willingness to entrust his heart to me.
I am not a women of strong faith...
I do not always think that God (or my husband) have MY best interest in mind, especially if it involves something that is hard or takes a large sacrifice on my part.
I am not flexible...
If my kids (or anyone else for that matter) changes my plans, especially if it meant time to myself or extra sleep... oh heck, even to go shopping or out to eat) I am not very accepting of the new plan.
My root sin is selfishness...
My knee-jerk reaction is self preservation. It takes a HUGE effort on my part to step outside of myself in order to help those most important to me.
I share this with you so that you will understand why I say that for Lent, I am working on/asking God for a complete overhaul of my heart. I am asking for a new heart, as this Scripture speaks...
I admit that I am nervous about this, but I also desire a new heart more than I ever have in my life. It's no secret that this year has thrown me for quite a loop - and it's not about to slow down. I always talk about dying to myself, but I don't seem to have what I need to truly be able to do it on my own. The problem is that I don't really ask God to help, I only demand that He help because I am entitled to be helped because He's the one who is calling me to all this. As I type it it puts such a terrible taste in my mouth. This life I live is a fulfillment of my deepest desires, and yet without God's grace to help me and to change me - and without living in a way that disposes me to receive these graces God desires to give me- I cannot truly experience TRUE joy and TRUE fulfillment in this life at all!
So I HAVE to step out - as a first act of faith this lent- without knowing exactly HOW God will respond, but I HAVE to believe that He will, that He DOES have my best interest in mind (not mention that He also loves my husband and my children more than I ever could), and that He will "see it through to completion"... (which is that Salvation of our souls).
If you find this post to seem a bit discouraging, please know that it is meant to be one of hope- PRAISE GOD for the Church's gift of the season of LENT! This is what it's for. I am hopeful and excited for this beautiful gift...
I pray that this Lent be one that you may see and TRULY EXPERIENCE the Mercy and the Love of God.
1 comment:
You sound so much like me. I am actually surprised to hear you say some of those things about yourself, it is not obvious to everyone, for sure! All of those traits you see in yourself, I have been seeing in myself lately. I feel like the most selfish person sometimes and there have been many things going on lately that have helped me see those things in myself, stirring a change in my heart. I hope you can find your change of heart that you so desire, even though I think your heart is pretty big and awesome ;)
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