As I've continued moving forward each day, asking for grace, grasping for prayer time, grasping for David's time, anxiety-ridden and tired, and somehow still struggling to have joy, God gave an epiphany:
It wasn't while I was up early, deep in contemplative prayer...
It wasn't late at night after everyone had gone to sleep...
It wasn't while nursing the baby to sleep...
It wasn't at my weekly Adoration hour...
It wasn't while in prayer at the kneeler in our bedroom...
It WAS walking from my room to the kitchen to make breakfast- it just CAME to me!
"It's not about you anymore, Kate, it's about them."
DESPITE THE SCHEDULE, THE SINCERELY HELD BELIEF IN THE VALUE OF HOME SCHOOLING, AND THE DESIRE TO MAKE GOD AND DAVID PROUD OF ME...
(WHICH IS NOT A REASON TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE THAT SPIRITUAL STEAM WON'T LAST LONG, I'VE LEARNED)
... I HAVE FALLEN SHORT, AND WAS YELLING, CRYING, CURSING, AND COULDN'T SHAKE THE FEELING/KNOWLEDGE THAT MY FAMILY WAS NOT HAPPY! GOD HIT MY LIKE A TON OF BRICKS WITH THE TRUTH... IF I AM STILL BEING SELF-CENTERED, THAN THIS WILL NEVER WORK!
And His graces has flooded me with... er... follow-ups to this very simple reality-
"It's not about what you need to get done this second. It's about what's best for them..."
"It's not as important to finish folding the clothes as it is to hold your crying baby..."
"It's not about brushing off your kids so that you can read 33 Days to Morning Glory THIS MINUTE."
"Your schedule is helpful, but if it's not working for your family today, then let it go."
"I love you, Kate, and I can't wait to spend time with you when you pray... so trust that I will provide you that time."
"Your choosing to put them first consoles me on this cross"
"I thirst"
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So...
This has been THE CHANGE in me during the last two days (While we had a project day in the backyard with a swingset and then sent David to New Orleans for my first night alone with all four), and I have faith that this reminder of what motherhood is WILL (if I freely choose it) give me the ability to do this much better than I have been doing in the this first month of home schooling.
I'll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite songs... (originally from Scripture)
" 'Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down. And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found!"
1 comment:
Kate! I understand you completely! While I am not home schooling and I don't have 4 kids yet, I KNOW that it is not about me, it is about them, but even though I know it, doesn't make it easy. It is something I have to constantly remind myself and I am not even close to having mastered it. Many times, those unfolded clothes come first to the attention my kids need and I kick myself all the time wondering why I can't just leave them unfolded. I think I have a lot of Lonnie Fontenot in my when it comes to staying on top of that stuff (which, and she would tell you, can be a good and bad thing!!) But have that relationship with God makes all the difference. I know that you and I are where we are supposed to be and where He wants us. It is so important for mothers to be the ones who take such care of their children, the sweet spirits He has entrusted us with! I'll pray for you! And please do the same for me!!! Love you! You are doing a great job and your kids are so blessed to have you!
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