"What I have cleansed, you are not to call common..."

Out of a dead sleep this morning, I heard my husband's voice (trying every so sweetly and lovingly to wake me up after a rough night with a vomiting 10-month old with RSV), "Do you want to do Scripture with me before we get up?"

Answer in my head: um, no?
Answer out loud: (literally half asleep) sure

He begins where we left off in the book of ACTS where Peter receives a vision that basically tells Him it's time to preach to the Gentiles... cool and powerful story... but not what I mean to tell you about.

We pause to let God tell us what He wants us to receive from the passage, which I tend to have a hard time with even when I am wide awake after a full night's sleep, much less not even fully conscious yet (don't get me wrong, I am grateful that my husband cares more about my relationship with God than if I can get 3 more minutes of sleep before the circus gets going, I'm simply trying to convey how NOT awake I was).

It came to me clear as day, and a quickness that I don't have normally (isn't God so merciful?). As I was attempting to wake up and get my game face on for ANOTHER Monday or being Holly Housewife and, to be honest, fighting an almost (pause: my 2 year old woke up and wants "thereal") constant battle with monotony, this is the verse that stood out to me...

ACTS 10: 15 "Then the voice said, 'What God has cleansed you are not to call common.' "

Soul. Punched.

God was telling me that MY LIFE IS NOT COMMON!

CHASING BUTTERFLIES > PADDLING A RIVER

Yes, another Monday. Yes, I am about to start the same routine that Monday brings. Yes, someone is sick... actually 5/6 kids are sick, and one has a named sickness which ads to the mental game. But my husband and my children are ANYTHING but common. My life is ANYTHING but common. We are told by the world that women should get out there and do something with our lives, our degrees, our student loans, our "adulting" and I can tell you that the temptation to do that is real (I mean, to go shopping all day long with my student loan money and eat out 2/3 of my meals was mighty nice). But the truth is that THIS IS better than any (pause, my six year old needs help with math) trip I might take, these are the decisions that have eternal consequences. Traveling "the hills of the human soul" will take me more outside of my comfort zone that ANYTHING or ANY place ever will.

SUCCESSFULLY TAKING THREE TO THE DOCTOR > CLIMBING EVEREST

So this grace that He gave me through Scripture this morning showed itself when one of my little olive plants was crying for the ZILLIONTH time this morning (which ALWAYS includes screaming with the tears), and I was walking inside outside inside outside inside outside to get him a pair of shoes that weren't too tight or too big (or too red or too old or too dirty or too wet) and just like Peter, I heard a voice say something very similar to what I read:

"This is not a common day, this is not a common child, and this your life is not ordinary. Here is your first chance to treat this moment like it is the first time you have every done this... Motherhood is holy, so don't call this moment common"

FOUND THIS PICTURE FROM TWO YEARS AGO THAT IS ACTUALLY ENTITLED 

"JUST ANOTHER DAY"

WATCHING ONE CHILD TEACH ANOTHER > THE JOY OF A SUNRISE

SEEING BROTHERS PEACEFULLY READING TOGETHER > RELAXING ON THE BEACH

BECAUSE NO SUPERHERO IS COMMON

WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY CHESS IN MY BATHROOM?

AND EVERY FEW MONTHS YEARS SOMEONE TAKES A REAL PICTURE OF MY CHILDREN

Isn't God so faithful and merciful?!? "More will be given to the one who has been given much" He will not let me drift through the life as if every day were just another version of the same thing. Pope Benedict said that we are not created for comfort, but for greatness! My days, no matter how much I wish for convenience and comfort, are given to me to make greatness come from them.

I'm not saying that I merrily levitated back and forth, to and from the house trying to find one freakin pair of shoes that fit this poor child just because I had the experience with praying with this Scripture passage this morning, but it gave me the grace to be just a bit kinder to my sweet, emotionally charged baby. It made this Monday a whole lot sweeter, and I tell you what, it made me SUPER happy for this upcoming season in the church... this WILL NOT BE JUST ANOTHER ADVENT!! I found myself ho-humming about what to do with my family this Advent and  the monotony was all but wiped away at this realization... if I will prepare Him room in my heart, then I CANNOT think of this as "Just another Advent."

May God give us the grace to make this an EXTRAORDINARY ADVENT. May I never call this life a common one...

Andrew's Story...

Here's the story of our first miscarriage. A friend asked me to tell it for an article he's writing. This experience happened seven year ago this month. It has been a gift to go through it again and see just how much God loves, blesses, and forgives us. 

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When our second daughter was eight weeks old, David returned home from his holy hour and shared with me that he really believed that God was calling us to be open to another child. (Did I mention that our daughter was eight weeks old?). I don't remember my exact reaction, but I laughed at him and told him that he was crazy. It was exactly physiologically possible to have another child at the point. Nonetheless, I told him that I would go to Adoration, and so I did the next morning.

When I arrived I first prayed for an open heart and for the Lord to reveal to me His will for our family. I opened a book that I had been reading by Kimberly Hahn (Scott Hahn's wife) called Life Giving Love and proceeded to actively look for an explanation of good reasons NOT to be open to life and GOOD reasons to "space" children. I could find ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and in fact, what did stand out to me was something her husband had told her: Mother's bodies, with their stretch marks and scars from carrying and caring for their children will, like Christ, remain that way in Heaven and be like the glorified body of Christ who's wounds remain. It struck me directly in my heart, and seemed to be giving me the opposite message that I sought. I then turned to Scripture where I landed first in the Gospel of Luke and a painting of the visitation of Mary and Elizabeth.

The verse underneath it said, "Blessed is the fruit of your womb." I had my clear answer. My fertility was and is a gift, and I returned home and told David what the Lord had revealed to me as well. We were grateful that He had told us BOTH, but David knew that I was afraid of what would come of this. That was in May. About four months later, I discovered that I was pregnant. Therese was six months old. It was happening, just as the Lord had said. We shared the news with friends and family, and we were grateful for another soul, but my heart did not feel ready. When I was about four weeks pregnant, I found myself in Adoration with these thoughts: Maybe this pregnancy won't make it. Maybe I'll miscarry, and that would be ok, because then people may feel sorry for us, and then we would have their sympathy and at least look like we're open to life without having to have babies so close together. I was horrified with myself! I was grateful to Jesus that He had allowed those thoughts to come from the back of my brain to the front so that I could address them with a priest and ask forgiveness from the Lord and from my precious husband who was and is ALWAYS ready to meet another soul that God would give to us. 

I raced home and confessed to David my secret sin and I realized that I was no different than any woman who contemplates abortion. I was so sick with guilt and grief, but our Lord is so merciful. Our sweet friend who is also a priest came to visit the next morning, and I went to confession in our home and was forgiven my sin. Thanks be to God!

Just three days later I began to bleed, and then the cramping that comes with miscarriage followed not long after that. I was sunk deep into grief and guilt. I began to doubt myself and the mercy of God- I remember thinking that God saw my lack of a welcoming heart for this baby and decided that this innocent child would be better off in his Father's arms than a mother who doesn't want him. I have been able to pray through and process my thoughts and see that they were untrue and that God's mercy is boundless and bottomless, but at that time, I couldn't see past my sin. David knew that my sin did not cause to miscarriage and did his best to console me, but we were both so shocked and so sad. We had two beautiful and healthy children (John Paul 2) and Therese (7 months) and didn't think that a loss would happen in between children. We cried and grieved over the loss, but we also offered this baby to the Lord.

I passed the baby a few days later, (which at just 6 weeks gestation looks like little more than a very large blood clot), wrapped the baby in a handkerchief, and we buried it under our statue of the blessed mother. The grave was blessed, and we began our healing process. 

 I asked God for a name and an image of the baby to keep in my mind and heart forever. God, once again in his mercy, gifted us with this image. His name is Andrew Thomas Dawson, and he has dark hair and blue eyes.

He was the first intercessor and saint for our little family. We have since had two more souls reach Heaven before us (Agnes Karolina and Elizabeth Anne). The losses are painful but bring our family together in ways that joyful experiences just can't. We talk to our other children (We now have six born children) about their brother and sisters in Heaven. It is bittersweet to think of them, because without their being lost to us here on earth, our family would look completely different, would there be a Jacob (now 6), a Micah (now 4) a Mary Clare (2) or a William (9 mo)? 

I am reminded of the Scripture verse "For who has known that mind of the Lord, or who has acted as His counselor" and "The souls of the just are in the hands of God. They seem in the eyes of the foolish to be dead, but they are at peace." And again "The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Yeah, it's been quite a while...here's why

I know its been basically a year since I've written. The reason? Life. Strait up.

Blog post topics and Scriptures used to fall into my mind like dew when the Holy Spirit wanted me to share a thought. But in the last year He has, instead, been training me on some serious interior work. The best image I can use to help you  understand is from the Chronicles of Narnia when Eustis is a dragon and his scales are being pulled off to free him from his selfishness and self preservation by the only one who can help- Aslan.

It's the same with me. In the last year and continuing through to the present moment, God has and is helping me to have joy in difficulty, patience with fatigue, clarity in the noise (and my house is pretty darn loud), and trust in the unknown. I just have such a long way to go that I feel like posting on this precious blog is not part of that growth. So for whoever is reading this, that's where I've been.  Its where I will be for a while I imagine. We had a baby, we tried the spring baseball (madness), ballet revue, family retreat over the summer, vbs, Domestic Church retreats, a child had a tonsillectomy, and a few other things. We haven't been busy, but our life has been intense anyway. Like I said, busy interiorly.

I can't change the world but I can try (and fail sometimes) to get better at being a mama and wife. My little house is my world, so that's where I'll be working for a while.